First, how has it been over a year since I’ve written here?! It’s not like life has stood still in that time. Quite the contrary, actually, which might be part of why I haven’t taken the time to write. To make up for lost time, I’m tackling a topic that has been in the front of my mental world lately: “Unconditional love and support.”
I’ve heard a million times that we are supposed to “unconditionally” love and support our partners, our family, and our children. That’s certainly the Hallmark or After School Special position anyway. I have had some really significant struggles as a parent lately that have come to a head in a pretty traumatic way, and it got me thinking and asking myself, “Are we indeed supposed to unconditionally support our kids, particularly adult kids?” Note that I am not asking about unconditional love in this process. I do believe that we are to love everyone, frankly, as a member of the human race. But especially our family, kids, parents, friends, etc. I can love them unconditionally and forever even if we never speak. No, the question is about support and by extension, the relationships themselves.
It’s also important for parents and adult children to establish healthy boundaries. Unconditional support shouldn’t come at the expense of a parent’s well-being or self-respect. There can be a balance between helping and enabling, and setting boundaries helps maintain a healthy relationship.
I had my own theory on this that seemed to work for me, but I didn’t want to just rely on my bias. So I did some research and asked some questions to see what kind of results I would get. I asked, “Should parents be expected to unconditionally support their adult children?” I found the curated responses from the vast array of available information pretty compelling:
The idea of unconditional support from parents can be complex and varies widely based on individual circumstances, cultural values, and personal beliefs. Here are a few perspectives to consider:
- Emotional Support: Many people believe that emotional support should be unconditional. Parents often play a key role in providing a safe space for their children, regardless of age. Emotional backing, empathy, and encouragement can be crucial for adult children as they navigate their own lives.
- Practical Support: Practical support, such as financial assistance or living arrangements, is often more conditional and can depend on the situation. Parents might offer this type of support when it’s needed and feasible, but it might not always be appropriate or sustainable.
- Boundaries: It’s also important for parents and adult children to establish healthy boundaries. Unconditional support shouldn’t come at the expense of a parent’s well-being or self-respect. There can be a balance between helping and enabling, and setting boundaries helps maintain a healthy relationship.
- Mutual Respect: Support should ideally be reciprocal. While parents might offer unconditional support, it’s also valuable for grown children to demonstrate respect, appreciation, and responsibility in their interactions with their parents.
Ultimately, the nature of support in any relationship is dynamic and can evolve over time. It’s often about finding a balance that works for both parties involved.
This actually completely aligned with my thinking. “Unconditional” is a misnomer when it comes to relationships. We should expect the road to go both ways, for reciprocity of love, respect, and kindness. When that becomes one-sided and not reciprocated, I think it degrades the relationship and it becomes completely reasonable to maintain self-health through that.
There are people who no doubt will take offense to this writing if they stumble upon it. As the song lyrics go: If you think this song is about you, it probably is. My inspirations for this post know who they are. I am more interested in your thoughts though.
Am I correct in this thinking?
Or is there nuance I haven’t considered?
Or am I completely all wet and I need to rethink my outlook on this?
Chime in in the comments below or if you don’t want the public to see your thoughts, drop me a note to start conversation on it.
1 Featured Photo by Pixabay